Coffee and Lace
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: Tweek never really understood the premise of a girlfriend, even viewing his own significant other as a glorified waitress. But when Rebecca invites him inside for coffee after a date, Tweek naively agrees and soon realizes that his predicament is a little more complicated than he once thought. Twebecca. One-shot.


**Because innocent Twebecca is adorable!**

* * *

I never understood the premise of a girlfriend. Everyone wants one but I mean… Why? When I asked Clyde and Kenny, they said something weird… I couldn't remember. Something about clams and hammers and bunnies, I dunno.

From what I understand it's a girl that packs you lunch, constantly asks if you have everything you need and makes sure you have enough sugar and cream in your coffee.

…So, girlfriends are diner waitresses?

At least, that's what Rebecca does.

Tonight was our anniversary. Apparently, today was the day we got together… I honestly didn't know. Craig had called me unexpectedly to remind me. He left me a voice mail on my cell saying: "Tweek, just thought I'd tell you today is your anniversary. Most likely you forgot so, there ya go. Protection. Bye."

Thank God Craig reminded me, Rebecca really made a big deal about today. Though, what does protection mean? Bear mace? Oh god! Is there going to be a bear on my date?!

Gah, irrational fears! I know there _probably_ isn't going to be a wild animal on my date. _Probably_.

So, Rebecca and I went out for dinner at some slightly rundown restaurant. We went about chatting, talking about life and our thoughts… But other than that, nothing else. And from what I know, there isn't anything really else to do with a girlfriend. Like I said, girlfriends are glorified waitresses.

And that was it, I brought her home.

I continued up the steps to Rebecca's little apartment. The frizzy haired girl stopped at the stoop, clapping her hands together and nipping at her lips fretfully.

To tell you the truth, she was a little off all night. Fidgeting and stammering, it was if she was playing space cadet and day dreaming.

It reminded me of how she acted when she drove. I had attempted to teach this girl how to drive. Me. The kid with the mental problems teaching someone completely normal how to operate machinery, yeah… It didn't make much sense.

And that's how she trashed my first car into a fire hydrant.

Rebecca eyes found mine, her lips parted and with little squeak both hands came up and clamped her mouth shut.

I guess she wanted me to say goodbye first? She was always the one who wanted to say bye last, even on the phone… Even if I was burning to death, she would want me to say 'see ya' foremost.

"Night Becca, happy anniversary." I let out a little hum, leaning down and pecking her cheek. I twirled on my heel suddenly, ready for the short car ride home. I had a bed that was calling my name. I had to open the coffee shop at six tomorrow, clean tables, put down stools, check the register, do some bills and-

Something tugged me backward, I nearly tripped over her porch steps. I craned my neck to see the Rebecca behind me, gripping my arm with a death grip and an unsteady smile. "Tweek, would you like to c-come with me inside?"

I blinked. That was very unlike her. Usually we would go on a date, I would walk her to her steps and I would go home. That was the end of the little date. The end. There was no, 'come inside'.

It broke routine. She wasn't spontaneous in the least. And being spontaneous is way too much pressure.

"…It's getting late." I drawled out. "I should get home."

"Not even for a-a little… _nightcap_?"

Nightcap? Like a sip of whiskey before bed? Rebecca drinks? I stared at her like she was some sort of alien- and for all we know she could be. "I-I don't… drink."

…She was starting to creep me out a little.

I tried to continue back down the stairs to my car but she yanked me again, nearly sending me onto my bottom. "W-wait! I mean, w-would you care to come inside for a p-pot of coffee?" she said rather hurriedly. "It'll only take a-a minute."

I narrowed my eyes. "Coffee?"

She nodded excitedly, knowing she piqued my interest in the black liquid. I can't _ever_ refuse a cup. But, my question was why so late? She was the oh-so insecure type who would never eat a watermelon seed because she thought it'll grow a tree in her belly. Not exactly a worry wart but more like an ulcer just waiting to happen.

"Yeah, I kno-know I'm not too good at… it but um," she squeaked in a higher octave than usual. "I'm a fast le-learner! I bet with a little time… I could… I could do it really g-good!"

I was confused. Better and doing what exactly? Coffee… Huh, maybe she wants to…? Is this what Clyde and Kenny have been talking about?

"…You want to brew coffee better?"

"If you w-want to c-call it that. I just want to ple-please you, Tweek."

"Okay?" I tilted my head. Huh, was brewing coffee that important to her? And she wanted to please me? It's not like I'm abusive or anything. Jesus Christ.

She fished out her keys from her purse, unlocking the door and nearly yanking me inside like the porch had suddenly combusted.

Rebecca shut the door behind me, ambling towards the stairs before glancing at me. "W-wait right h-here, I'll be back in a seco-second." And just like that, she flew right up to her room.

B-but, I thought she wanted to brew coffee? I really didn't understand girlfriends.

…Oh god. What if she really is an alien and she's going to probe me? I felt a pang in my ass. Jesus Christ. I had the strongest urge to run right out of the door.

There I go again, irrational fears. Like my shrink said, Rebecca _probably_ isn't an alien. _Probably_.

I brushed off the spooked feeling, speeding into the kitchen fearfully. I wasn't going to take my chances and wait to see her final form. It'd probably be a great big grey skinned, bug eyed thing… with a probing device in one hand and a laser gun in the other!

Gah, irrational fears!

Well, I don't think she is an alien… but why would she want to make coffee this late at night? I thought she was the type to be in bed by nine. But, brewing coffee at eleven at night? It just might be exciting.

My eyes wandered to find that magnificent device.

And there it was.

On the counter near the sink was a wonderful appliance. I beheld the super coffee maker. The fancy coffee maker that was imported from France.

_France_, do you know how sexy that is?

I felt myself drooling at the sight of it. I had to resist the urge to just snag it up. If I get married to Rebecca, I'm asking for five of these suckers. I bet her parents are loaded to the gills.

Five coffee makers from France, whoa! Did it just get hot in here or what?

"Tweek," A voice echoed from the living room. "Where are you?"

Oh shit, I completely forgot about Rebecca.

"T-the kitchen!" I croaked.

I played with the little machine, shaking the containers of liquid, opening up the maul before clamping it shut. I could hear pitter patter of feet against tile. "What are you doing?"

I had my back turned to her as I tweaked the buttons, making sure the brew was dark, almost bitter. That was how I liked it.

I turned to her…

But I didn't think I'd see… _all that_.

"Brewing coffee, get over here if you want to… Le-Le-Lear-" I barely finished my sentence, darting up the side of the counter like a woman seeing a mouse at her toes. "_LEARN_! What the hell are you wearing?!"

In front of me, Rebecca was wearing the most see through fabric in the world. A dark color. I could see her undergarments and- and-

Jesus fuck!

Rebecca blinked as if she was confused, as if she warped into the room with this new clothing on like some kind of Star Trek shit. She tugged at the rim of the night… gown… _thing_, looking back up to me. "A negligee?"

"AGH! Rebecca," I searched the drawers haphazardly, flinging a dishtowel over her chest and pressing it down tightly. "You're going to catch a draft in that! Jesus Christ… It's below zero weather outside and your wearing _this_?!"

"I'm not going outside in it," The sides of her mouth tugging up in that same cat-like smile. "You don't like it? I picked it out special for tonight… being our anniversary and all."

I raked my thoughts to remember where I saw something like that. I thought back to Clyde pressing his face up against the window of the panty store in the mall. I remember Craig saying, 'What's the point of wearing lingerie? It's all going to come off anyways. Why spend five minutes unhooking, removing and untying it all?'

I swear Craig is my conscience or something… Even though I had no idea what he meant.

I thought people buy all that stuff to wear under their clothes… Right? Lingerie… stuff is what people wear under their clothes… Right?

Jesus Christ.

"It's a little inappropriate to wear around me, isn't it?" I flinched as she stepped closer, I was nearly all the way onto the counter and crawling up the wall. "Jesus, I can see everything! AGH! It's all… _there_!"

It got incredibly silent between us, apart from my little 'gahs', 'aghs' and 'nghs'.

"Oh, t-that's the point," she let out as little sigh, yanking at the lace gloomily. "You do know why I in-invited you inside, right?"

"That!" I gestured to the coffee maker in complete panic. "I-I thought you wanted to make coffee with me!"

Rebecca's sullen look contorted into a happy one, she let out a little giggle. "Sweetie," she started. "That was just an invitation."

"What else would it mean? What invitation? Is there a party? GAH! T-t-this is too much pressure." I reached up and started to tear at my hair. What did she mean? Why the hell was she dressed like that? I don't get it! Someone tell me what's going on?

Gah… Craig! I need Craig! I need my conscience!

The bell on the little machine dinged and the coffee flowed into the pot, breaking the silence.

Rebecca was quiet, covering herself up suddenly with her arms. "I see, you're naivety continues to impress me…" she let out a silly laugh. "Nothing Tweek. It means nothing. I'll change in a sec. It takes a little bit to get this on you know?"

Agh, Craig was right!

The poodle haired girl shuffled passed me, reaching up the cabinet to get two mugs. I nearly backed off the counter and onto the floor when she got close.

"Well, we shouldn't let this coffee go to waste, should we?" she poured my liquid drug into two mugs.

"N-no." I took the cup shakily, sipping wildly. Oh Jesus, I was going to need it. Too much excitement for one night.

The frizzy haired girl gestured to her wardrobe. "Well, it looks like I'll have to return this. I had a feeling you might have panicked against my advances." She exhaled noisily. "Good thing I kept the receipt."

Come to think of it, I never got a good look at it. I took a step back, examining frilly black laced… _thing_. A Kneel-i-jay? Rebecca flushed, covering herself up out of habit.

I sipped my coffee, rubbing my chin. "Yeah, you really don't want to catch a draft. You have goose pimples for crying out loud."

I could hear her stifle a giggle into her hands. Goose pimples? What the hell, I'm in the twenty-first century. But, at least it made her laugh.

"You look better in those turtlenecks," I counted off on my hand the 'benefits'. "It's warm, it's cute and it doesn't show off… all of… your… stuff."

I guzzled the last of my first cup as she made her away close, reaching up on her tip toes and placing her lips shakily against my cheek. "H-happy anniversary and, ngh… t-thank you so much."

While she was close, I oh-so gracefully snatched up her cup. "And thank you for the coffee." She made a little noise of surprise.

See, I can be a little spur-of-the-moment too.

I tipped the cup back, sipping the rest of my bitter medicine… and then she had to mutter out, "So that's a no to the whole sex thing, right?"

Rebecca must have had ESP, because as soon as she said that, she ducked out of the way and I spat up all the coffee in my mouth like a broken sprinkler

"I take that as a n-no?"

I moaned in complete embarrassment, hiding my face behind the mug.

I kinda understood the premise of a girlfriend. Everyone wants one and I can see why. Now, I don't know the whole spiel about clams and hammers and bunnies.

But I do know this, girlfriends might confuse their boyfriend by acting weird and wearing frilly stuff that makes them bound to catch pneumonia… But I really don't want to change that. I don't want to mess up this relationship and I don't want to part with this girl that's grown on me.

…That and I could never part with Rebecca's coffee maker, that machine was just awesome.


End file.
